Our next guest episode reviewer is Rap541. All opinions and statements made belong solely to the person making them (Rap541).
Written by Rap541
So we start with the kids in the house. Jeremy is snoozing, and noting how he sleeps 12 hours a day. Jake and Molly, in contrast, are studying. Molly is quite the slave driver. Molly notes how she and Jake study more than the twins and she sometimes essentially does Jake’s work. While yelling at him. Which she seems to enjoy.
Jeremy hay bales about how they suck at school. Bad grades, bad SATS, and Molly is good. Molly hay bales that she has motivation and the twins do not. Yeah, I can see why, what with bothering to do her homework and all. Speech class - impromptu! No prep, speaking for one minute on a topic. This is a senior level class? Describing “skin”? Zach hay bales how he doesn’t like it. He gets the word “popular” and changes his word to grass. He then goes on about soccer, and the teacher is annoyed over his using soccer again. As in *really* annoyed. The school posts public grades. If this class is an example of the advanced coursework, I am really appalled at Zach and Jeremy’s grades.
At home ,Zach whines about his grades while Jeremy and Molly and Amy listen in an unsympathetic way. Jeremy snits about how he wasn’t prepared. Amy says she has no idea how to help, and hay bales that Zach probably didn’t work hard enough. She actually makes some good points about talking to the teacher and seeing what she was looking for. However, really? We’re gonna talk about parenting at some point here.
Now the twins and Amy head to PSU. Zach and Jeremy look bored as hell. Zach is shocked at admission standards of 1200 SATs and 3.5 GPA. (Isn’t 1200 kinda low with the new SAT? Did I hear it correctly?) Amy hay bales how she knew it would be eye opening. Zach looked shocked and depressed. Jeremy looked bored and was he chewing on his hoodie?
So they walk around the campus. Amy thinks the boys are unrealistic. The school guy asks them about their interests. Jeremy hay bales how he is now interested in business and wants to run a sports team. Because running a professional sports team is more realistic than being a pilot or a boat captain. He asks if it takes four years. He asks about mechanical engineering. Its weird because I really can’t figure out what he wants to ask the guy. And seriously, mechanical engineering? Does he know what that really is?
Zach wants to teach. The counselor points out how it’s a master’s degree now. Zach is put off by the work. Not shocked there.
Matt asks about college at home. Jeremy notes “he doesn’t know” what the SAT requirements are. Which kinda confirms how little interest he has in a dual major of business and mechanical engineering at PSU. We get a flashback to the Wharton episode. Matt hay bales how it may be too late. Matt is all UCLA and lectures Jeremy on how to apply. Jeremy seems completely uninterested. Matt? You’re a large part of the problem here with your school of hard knocks talk. If you legitimately want the kids to want college, you can’t point out how useless it was for you and expect the kids to not follow your lead. This ain’t rocket science.
Meanwhile Molly teaches Jake by yelling. Zach is asked about homework, Jeremy rats him out, and looks super pissed for some reason. Oh a five paragraph essay??? Really, a five paragraph essay is not exactly what I call seriously advanced college prep. My teachers stopped citing how many paragraphs an essay needed to be when I was in sixth grade. Because it was understood at that point. By the way, for the record, Zach clearly isn’t the only sibling who cheerfully rats out his twin. Jeremy did it and did it on camera. They both do it. I hope the folks who voraciously whine how mean Zach is to do it point those same fingers at Jeremy. But I suspect they won’t.
Amy hay bales how Zach’s grades crapped the bed. Amy yells at him on the stairs and she is all “WHY ARE THERE D’s!!!” She notes how he needs better grades and has no idea why he got good grades earlier and now doesn’t. I wonder if the elephant in the room (the show) is noticeable to Amy *now*
Amy and Zach argue over his homework. He tries to rat out Jeremy on something and Amy tells him its not the time and he needs to reassess his school priorities. He has a speech on “making a cake”? Jeez. Amy lectures how he is gonna do great and basically test runs him thru the speech. Not a bad idea but jeez, he doesn’t know how to crack an egg? Zach, stop being dumb. Amy pointedly asks if anything needs to be written. She hay bales how distracted he’s been. Gosh I wonder if having cameras film his every move is distracting? Or hey, how about the horde of teenagers who constantly run around the house?
Zach meanwhile plays with his friends in the garage. Speak of the devil, kids over to play while Zach does homework. That just couldn’t have been a factor! Amy loses it and punishes him by giving him cake with his buddies who he plays with. Because that totally reinforces how he needs study discipline and how important it is.
In school. Jeremy says he doesn’t want Zach to bomb. This is a hay bale moment and fairly wooden. Zach does an ok walk thru. He’s no Julia Child and he really does look like he has no clue what he is doing and looks totally unprepared. This class also looks um… less than challenging.
He gets a C. He complains. Amy also complains and thinks Zach didn’t prepare. He’s really hard to understand here. Amy hay bales says she is disappointed in his grade but also blames Zach. Because really, she did everything to help. Include give him cake after he ran off to play instead of working on his homework.
Amy yells at the twis over their grades. Molly has straight As. Jeremy notes that his Cs are really hidden Bs. Matt basically fails here by finding it cute. Zach is all D’s. Amy says no weekend stuff and Zach laughs. He has senioritis and walks off. Amy behaves as though she has no idea how this happened.
Jake stampedes in wearing rollerblades and playing soccer and dumps a bunch of stuff off the counter. Amy insists he pick the stuff up and then plays rollerblade soccer with him, all while noting “don’t ruin the floor”. Matt seems annoyed.
Amy notes Jake is destroying the floor and will be in trouble. Molly says no he won’t and notes how there is no follow thru in parenting at the Roloffs. Yes she is the smart one.
Zach and Jeremy and friends run like wild animals thru the house, and Zach talks about the fond memories he has of cheerfully breaking stuff with Jeremy and pals. Matt is annoyed and yet never says a word while the kids rampage. Amy hay bales how important it is for the kids to play and have no restrictions. Matt finally yells for the kids to go outside. Of course the obvious choice of telling people to go do some homework never occurs to Matt. Since he doesn’t really give a damn about the twins attending college anyway
Jeremy asks Amy for the boxing gloves to play with. Amy seems really concerned about the gloves (I don‘t know why but they seem special to her). All the kids hang in the man cave barn (there’s even a soda machine) while Jeremy and a friend with a GIANT tat on his back homoerotically wrestle.
Matt notes how the house is trashed. He plans to have the basement cleaned. The basement is trashed. Matt notes how it’s Amy’s fault and makes Sven clean it. It is disgusting. I note mentally that Amy never throws anything away possibly because Matt goes behind her back and throws out her things. Just a thought.
Amy and Matt argue over possible dog pee stains in the media room. Matt wants no food or drink in the upper level. Because the dog apparently pees soda pop. Matt blames Amy for the mess again. Amy says she discourages food and drink, and Matt cites how that’s her doing nothing, really. He really has a point on that. Amy hay bales how she prefers him to be mad at her. Amy notes, in front of Molly, that Matt never follows through with his rules anyway. Matt attempts to get Molly on his side and she refuses to pick a parent. So she really is the smart one.
Jeremy shoots things. With a shot gun. Interesting. The kids, Jake’s friends by size, are on the roof throwing stuff at each other. Because that’s a super appropriate thing for kids to do on a brand new roof. (and before the witch hunt starts, Jake clearly learned playing on the roof is ok from his big brothers who did it and were rewarded with Mom and Dad laughing at how cute it was in an earlier season). Matt is super pleased the mess is being cleaned in the basement. Amy runs out to the man cave barn and yeah. The man cave barn look trashed and completely full of toys.
Matt meanwhile is saving all his baby stuff. That was in the basement. That he insisted was full of Amy’s stuff. That she never throws out.
There’s a horde of children in the house and Matt and Amy both have separately gone shopping resulting in a ton of food lying around. There’s a ton of wine in the fridge. SO MUCH FOOD. Matt is miffed that Amy is not pleased with the splendor he has brought home to the cave. Matt heads upstairs to the media room and wants the missing remote. There’s stacked boxes everywhere. Matt immediately assumes Jake took the remote. Jake seems nonplussed by the accusation and that his game is being taken away. He seems resigned to simply being blamed. Amy notes that Matt has changed and doesn’t understand why Matt is annoyed. Matt is annoyed that the coffee table is *burnt*. I’m on Matt’s side over that. Amy and Matt argue over how doing nothing is or isn’t the best way. Matt is on a tear over the house. He tells Amy a rule and says he wants back up. Meanwhile there’s a horde of kids downstairs watching movies on the giant tv there….
I think these people just have too many things. Because really, whichever kid intentionally held a lighter to brand new furniture - that’s just ridiculous. There’s no one in the Roloff house who isn’t old enough to know better than to set furniture on fire. Matt had a point about back up here.
Amy is annoyed that Matt expects her to show the carpet cleaner the dog pee. Matt heads down to the basement. It looks more organized. Matt wants the house clean. Meanwhile a horde of kids is all over complete with running on the roof. Amy seems shocked that the game room is totally trashed. I mean really, it’s a sty. Amy, duh, you had fifty some odd kids running around on the roof. Amy thinks Matt would ground them. Gosh I don’t know why. There’s pop cans on the floor. Which kind of makes Matt’s point about the stains not necessarily being the dog. Amy basically tells the kids Matt will freak out if they don’t do something. All the kids pick up. Amy thinks she’s totally right on this form of discipline. And cites teamwork.
Oh Kate Gosselin will answer questions? Is “why is your hair so messed up?” ok?
Matt looks at the previously trashed room. Amy says they “did it on their own” which um…. Is an interesting rewrite of what we just witnessed. Amy inspects the basement and is very nice to Sven. Amy again notes how she loves her children and cleaning the house, or not allowing them to do whatever they want even when they are failing in school, is basically horrible.
Jake is playing Risk and wearing rollerblades. Matt hay bales how he has given up on the mess. Because he’s not required to parent either. Little FYI, Matt and Amy? Your kids have no discipline and don’t give a damn about the house or the school because neither of you want to be the bad guy. And they know it.
Next up - Kate Gosselin whining how she’s never at fault for anything. You keep telling yourself that, Kate.