Saturday, November 14, 2009

Pop quiz about parenting with Amy Roloff

Amy Roloff answered a few questions about parenting. I thought her advice on the first question was very good.

GLOSS: What is your favorite “tip” juggling home family life? Or if there is more than one, do you have an overriding philosophy for parenting?

Amy Roloff: "Don’t sweat the small stuff. There are a lot more things to take care of and worry about then stuff that in the end doesn’t matter. Quality time and not quantity. When you are with your kids BE WITH THEM. Not just there. Do you see the whole game or just parts of it. Did you see more than just the A or B in a grade or do you also know what the test, paper is about. This time will go by fast. Parenting changes as your kids change, they grow up. Each child is an individual adjust for each child."

The full list of questions:


Em said...

Aren't you parents supposed to treat all their kids the same? Adjusting to each kid is what causes favoritism.

Isn't it?

Kim said...

Her advice is good, but does she follow it? If she knew what ever bad grade on a test from the twins were about, I think she could have done something to prevent it. That would require enforcing discipline and that's where Amy drops the ball.

I'm not a perfect parent either, but when I watch now I keep thinking 'those boys are so disrespectful!'

Kim said...

"Aren't you parents supposed to treat all their kids the same? Adjusting to each kid is what causes favoritism."

That is not true. If all your children where the same sex, same age and same personality, ie clones of one another, then you could treat them all the same, but if you have more than one child you would do them a disservice to treat them the same. Of course I spend the same amount of money on gifts for each child, and I do have house rules that I expect all my 3 children to follow and I parent with the same goals and values. But I do not discipline them the same, because what is effective with one is not effective with the others. If I grounded one child at home for a certain amount of time it would be a huge motivator to change their behavior but for one of my other children it wouldn't make much difference because he likes to be home. One of my children cries and is repentent as soon as you confront her with her wrongdoing, another one has to go off and think about it for a time and then will come and apologize when he is really ready and the third one will debate me until the cows come home and may never come to the place of admitting wrong. My goal is to have them acknowledge their wrong and change their behavior and approaching them the same way would be ineffective. My three children are generally good students but they are not equal and I enforce different rules for overseeing homework- my goal is the same- to have them do the best according to their ability - but I strive for it in three different ways. I could go on and on.

I tell all my kids that they are my favorites and it is the truth. I have 3 different but equally special relationships with each of them.

Anonymous said...

Like she (or Matt) have EVER been anyone to get parenting advice from? Thanks for the laugh!


Dana said...

Kim, I have to disagree with you. Each child is different. True. How a parent deals with them should be consistent.

Amy used to say on the show that how she would talk to Zach was different than how she would talk to Jeremy. She was much more aggressive with Jeremy because she felt he was more confident in himself and needed a "kick in the butt". Where as she always has protected Zach. You can see how her approach with them was different like she said in that interview.

That's not the way to do it, imo. A parent should not be hard on one and soft on the other. Children are smart and can see the difference. She should have treated them the same.

I will give Amy credit that she must have realized the error of her ways, because she isn't as aggressive with Jeremy and doesn't degrade him like she used to. She has improved in that area over the last couple of years and she deserves credit for that, but it doesn't ignore that she was wrong to treat her children differently.

When a parent does what Amy is suggesting it opens it up to the parent discriminating against the child with the personality she doesn't relate to as much.

Kit said...

Dana - it's pretty obvious you don't have children, nor have you ever been in a situation such as coaching, where you have to motivate and direct several different personalities at the same time. No slam against you, but perhaps one day you'll think back to this moment and laugh. Every child is different, as Kim says, and needs a different approach. That is not being "hard" on one child and "soft" on another.

Let me ask you this - do you treat all your friends the exact same way? Do you treat all your siblings the exact same way? What about your parents - do you treat your mother and father exactly the same way? If not, why not?

Kim said...

Dana, I hear and respect what you say and I do try to be as consistent as possible and I am not saying I would agree with how Amy disciplines or handles her children. However, I feel deeply that if I were to treat each of my children the same then I am not treating them as the individuals that God has blessed me with. But I think I hear you say that you think being hard on one and soft on the other is wrong. I will not argue that fact with you. But everyday even parents who think things should be totally equal and fair violate that objective. I don't serve them the exact same amounts of food because my 16 year old athletic son requires more calories to sustain health than either of my 12 yr old or 19 yr old daughters. Sometimes this means that my son gets the bigger apple or the larger piece of lasagna or even occassionally the extra scoop of ice cream. Not fair? Maybe but I still think I am acting consistently toward each of them because I am providing them what they need and teaching them that when it comes to food (in general) men need more calories than women.

Also while when it comes to gifts, I spend the same amounts, I don't necessarily spend the same on clothes in the same given period/year. If one child's feet grows 4 sizes in a year and another one only changes sizes twice, the first child will be getting more shoes. I strive to provide them what they need. The second child always wants new shoes, but she doesn't always need them the same way the first child did. I personally can't afford to provide all of my children new shoes every time one of them changes shoe sizes. Even then I end up having to pay more for the size 15's my son wears because I almost never find them on sale than I do for my younger daughter's shoes which I often find on sale. She doesn't think that is fair, but when you add in the cost of other things girls need (underthings, hair do dads, dresses etc.) it probably does even out. My goal is that each child have consistently what they need not that I supplied the same things at the same time. My youngest daughter has worn a lot of her sister's handme downs something her older sister and brother have not had to do. That doesn't sound fair, but that is life when you live on a limited budget.

And as far as discipline, well I said earlier that my goal is for my children feel sorrow over their bad behavior, are moved to seek forgiveness and work on changing their behavior. If one of my children needs to work all day out in the yard or around the house and another child needs to give up her social activities and devices for the weekend and the third just needs to be confronted with what she did wrong to come to that point then that is fine with me and I have been consistent because it is the results that I am concerned about not necessarily the process that it takes to get there as long as I do it in a controlled and respectful manner. Hey if they want to be stubborn then they will pay a heavier price.

I think as soon as you tell your children that you treat them all the same they will nail you for your inconsistencies. I prefer to instead of saying "I love you just as much as I love your sister" to say instead "I love you as the wonderful unique person you are. There is no one like you and I consider it my privilege to parent you to be the best you, you can be."

As a side note, all three of my children have told their grandma that they think they are my favorite. So even though I am far, far from perfect I must be doing something right that they all feel special for who they are.

But again I hear your side and I think there is the general perception in the Roloff family that Amy favors Zach and Matt favors Jeremy and that is not a good perception for the members of any family to hold.

Yves Beulynxx said...

I would never, not in a million years, take parenting advice from amy. She has two grown adult children with the mentality, attitude, and aptitude of pre-teens. Her youngest son appears to be his own parent. What a joke.

Anonymous said...

Amy is a LOUSY parent - she treats her husband like crap in front of the kids. And then she encourages them to more or less take her side.
Shame on her!!! She makes me sick

jacki said...

I agree with what kim is saying, but also what dana is saying. I'm 42 and I have 4 children age 2 1/2 to almost 10 and have been married for 10 1/2 years, so I feel I can speak with some experience. not that dana needs someone to explain things for her, but what I think she's saying is amy treats zach with kid gloves almost because he's a little person like her and jeremy she's probably thinking because he's big to her, he can handle himself, which I too feel is wrong. they're only 18, just fresh out of early teen years and have much to learn about life. zach is perceived as her favorite and she does come off somewhat harsh to jeremy and that will only prove to hurt her relationship with him in coming years. matt, I think, feels zach loves and understands him as a little person and father, yet zach, I've witnessed many times, gets very disrespectful towards matt, and the poor guy takes it. amy is always disrespectful towards her husband. she wonders why their marriage is in turmoil. I did notice on an episode once, she acted just like her dad; grumpy, complaining and not very kind toward matt. wonder where she gets it? now you know. molly seems some what respectful, but I've seen her also say "shut up " to her mom. something I just wouldn't put up with. zach also always sides with his mom on everything, and at the same time puts his dad down. that I don't understand. I've noticed matt and jeremy have many personality traits and things in common, so I think jeremy is one person matt doesn't have to argue with and be demeaned by, so he naturally is drawn to him.

my question is what will happen to their marriage when all the children are gone and they have no one to side track what's right in front of them? a year or so ago I saw a couple of episodes where I noticed matt going out of his way to say and do things for amy and just she blew him off and literally embarrassed him on purpose and matt just sat there and took it. she even once "thanked" him for kissing her on the cheek! who does that when you're married? she needs some one to give her a good cup of strong coffee to wake her up from her "matt will never leave me attitude." she doesn't know how good she has it.

Jocelynn said...

Jacki, I've seen a change in Amy towards Jeremy. She was harsh to him 3 or 4 years ago in the first season. She isn't anymore. She's done a complete 180 turn with Jeremy. I can't even remember the last time she said something derogatory about him. She's usually telling him how awesome he is. She becoming a dare-devil herself. Maybe that's why she's changed with Jeremy.

IMO, Zach knows what Matt said on the show last night. Matt wants to be Jeremy, Matt is living through Jeremy. If you have 4 kids and you're living through one, of course you're going to favor that one kid.

They are twins. I think Zach is resentful to Matt because he understands Matt prefers Jeremy.