Our guest reviews of the LPBW episodes have become weekly staples to the site. Some have asked for Rap's review of last Monday's episodes. Here they are. Sorry for the delay.
All opinions and statements made belong solely to the person making them (Rap541).
Written by Rap541
First off, I am very sorry this is so late. The cable fritzed out here for the entire length of Monday’s show. But the intrepid Spiritswander pointed out how easy it was to purchase and download the episodes from Itunes for $1.99. Then I had to question whether I wanted to spend 1.99 per episode. Finally, I decided it was worth it. Actually I was a little bored so…
So we’re in Florence. Jake likes the open air elevator until he manages to break it. Molly is amused
Now they head to Palermo? Jake notes how dull going to churches, even architecturally magnificent churches is. I know Jake is going to catch a lot of flack so let me ask you all up front. Have Jeremy and Zach chosen to spend any of their time in Europe looking at churches? Or has their trip been soccer, kilts, beer, and whores? Amy hay bales how she hoped Jake would see something he liked. Jake notes he would have preferred swimming to hauling ass up and down stone stairs. Molly seems to be having a good time and hay bales that Jake was a pain.
Meanwhile in Germany. Jeremy hay bales how he was developing his own style by driving places. Just so we all understand, it’s actually a bit unusual for a 19 year old to a)have the money to rent a car in Europe or b) be allowed to rent a car in Europe. Jeremy and Zach’s unique style of travel is basically being indulged with privileges people who aren’t on a reality show would not receive.
Back in Florence, Amy waxing on how delightful Italy is in summer. Amy and Molly go jewelry shopping while Jake is pointedly bored. Hmmm…. Gosh, if only Jeremy and Zach, who spent oodles of their vacation time in the jewelry stores could have been there since their experience was *exactly* like Jake’s….Jake again notes how he would have preferred the beer and whore tour in Germany.
In Germany. Jeremy and Zach hay bale how they were going to have to sleep in the car since they have no idea where they are. They find a pretty waitress who speaks English. They order Hawaiian Pizza (a traditional German dish, I believe) and note how cute the waitress is. They say they have no place to sleep and are alone, sad little waifs tossed in the harsh world and the waitress invites them into their German home . Jeremy hay bales how nice it is to have a production crew to set up a place to stay and a whole pretend for the camera scenario so they don’t even have to think. You know, while on their unplanned adventure. Zach is impressed with how they got invited but it seems super fake. Jeremy notes how he’s never been invited into a complete strangers house in a foreign country. I imagine this would be a whole lot more risky or thought provoking if they weren’t being tailed by a camera crew. Wasn’t the entire premise of the splatter horror film “Hostel” two stupes getting caught in a European snuff ring just like this?
Zach notes he is not socializing, that is Jeremy‘s job. They meet the entire family and everyone seems to speak English and Jeremy seems impressed with his adventure. Zach notes how awkward he feels. Yeah um… really I find this rather implausible. I mean, they just happen to be invited to spend the night with the mayor who just happens to invite them to a major league soccer practice. Sorry, this is way too much of a set up. I can smell the lies. This is on the level of the “friends who just happen to stop by and offer to build custom bicycles” stuff. Oh, and do note - the twins do not turn down the soccer offer to look at churches.
Meanwhile Amy is noting how they are boring the hell out of Jake. So they are in Venice, which is essentially going to a bunch of buildings on top of a humid swamp in high summer, but it is cool to take a boat to work so…. The scenery is cool. Jake is dying for the pool and is in an excited frenzy. In fairness, it’s a cool pool at the hotel. Basically he is denied a pool due to “private party” heheheh.
Meanwhile the German thing continues. There’s a giant meal. Jeremy again notes how he and Zach were taking a risk. I’d agree completely if this was not so obviously a production set up. I mean, the mayor just happens to take them to the pro soccer practice? Come on. Oh and yeah, this sure is the same as looking at churches and jewelry shopping. Zach seems impressed. Jeremy is a bit meh in the hay bale. If I took a drink every tme he said “amazing”, I would be so drunk by now.
Venice. One day. Amy hauls the kids to a gondola. Molly likes it. Jake is bored. Jake is now excitedly anticipating his swim. So of course the pool is completely drained. And of course there’s no lock on the facility because letting guests roam around the drained pool is perfectly safe, and of course there’s a camera crew waiting. Feels fake. My one concession is that pool safety may be different in Europe but really…Amy does seem sad for him.
They take a train to Nice. Amy suggests Jake swim in the Mediterranean. They run. I so secretly hope they get to the beach and it’s closed…. Alas finally Jake gets some water. Jake notes the ocean is good.
Meanwhile in Milan, the boys kilt up and proudly remove their undies for the camera. They then stand about dumbly and argue where to go. Amy is *worried*. I wonder why she hasn’t called the production crew? Jeremy notes he doesn’t know was “Rue” is and notes to always trust strangers. Easy enough when you’ve got personal handlers….
They search for the neon naked guys. Jake runs and hugs Jeremy and then Zach and Amy notes how cool the kilts were. Zach hay bales how he worries, and Molly is given her wooden shoes by Jeremy. There’s excited chatter. Jeremy proudly notes they saw no museums and were completely unplanned despite the obvious planning.
Matt is now going on how he had Matt time for a week but wants to see the kids now that he has scoured the house. I note that Matt stores wine on the floor. How convenient.
Matt takes pictures of the dog and hay bales how he is packed and leaving. Then he takes a picture of the Bug. He notes how he has plans for the French part of the trip.
The family does a vineyard tour and a castle. Matt notes traveling is difficult. Oddly Jeremy notes the “Big MR” smell. Amy notes that Matt generally takes over and makes everything about him. Even Molly and Jeremy gets in on the Dad dread. Jeremy’s hair dramatically changes in the hay bales.
Matt wants to show everyone a good time with a lunch in France. Amy heads down to play bocce and she lets Matt have time with the kids. This seems a lil overly explained. They actually seem to be getting along ok at lunch. Matt actually looks like hell in the van and Amy notes that rather sweetly that Matt wants the kids to see this castle that she and Matt had seen on their first trip but really, Matt looks wasted in this. He naps in the van. Amy hay bales that its disappointing.
Zach notes the city of Eze is not lp friendly. But the view is awesome. Jeremy hay bales how dad really wanted to see Eze but how it was already a failure - I actually repeated this a few times and still don’t know what Jeremy was saying. Matt gets the scooter out and joins them. Jake and Jeremy meet Dad and Jeremy pushes the scooter. Matt wants to build a city of Eze on the farm.
So they head to a train. To head to Paris. Matt lost his ticket and buys a new one. Train travel is so civilized and fun. Relaxing even. I highly recommend. Matt goes on and on how everything is stacked against them. I dunno, I mean this is just a vacation…. I mean they aren’t exactly storming the beach at Normandy. Amy notes that with six people, its harder to keep people moving. They hotel up - nice view of the Arc de Triumph (sp) and the Eiffel Tower. Amy shoots down Eurodisney immediately. Matt notes how they can’t plan stuff he can’t do. They get on a double decker bus for a your. That’s cool. Molly is all about the history and keeping people in line. Things get gripy. Molly keeps everyone in hand. They hit the Louvre. Jeremy doesn’t know what it is. They take a picture in front of the Pyramid that is pivotal in the Da Vinci code. Molly tells people to make decisions and then decides for all.
She notes “At least its not raining”.
Cue the rain J. Well played, TLC, well played indeed.
Somehow they got split up and walk about in the rain. They head to the Eiffel Tower. There’s a line that was ALMOST as long as the line at Dragoncon to see Leonard Nimoy. Matt notes to Amy that he is going to see if he can work the system a little bit since the line is very long. Amy hay bales that she was ready to simply leave.
Matt hay bales how scary and dangerous lines are and we see him hitting the special services at the Tower. Matt notes the horrible way norm butt smells. I find myself wondering if people who proudly declare how their stink is unique and special and who often don’t appear to wash or change their undies very often really should be throwing that particular stone at the glass house of the stinky average heights.
Amy notes that she finds it awkward to use her disability but she does not hang back and the family line cuts.
Personal opinion - I am utterly certain that its not inherently more dangerous for little people to wait in lines. I also note that at no point did Matt say that standing in the line would be too painful. The only stated reason for the line cut was that they did not want to wait two hours.
Molly notes how cool the view was. Amy takes pictures. Matt comments on how he’s the man. The family heads off for a traditional French meal of hamburgers, French fries, and Coke. Matt prates how awesome it was. Jeremy makes a point at dinner how much easier it is to not travel with his parents. Classy.