The guest episode Roloff reviewer is Rap541. All opinions and statements made belong to Rap
Written by Rap
Rocky's Last Stand
As their lovable dog Rocky faces a health crisis, the Roloffs worry that they might be forced to say goodbye to him sooner than they expected. Meanwhile, Rocky has his hands full with the Roloff cats when they move in on his turf.
So its come to this. Episodes about the pets. Based on comments I've already spotted on Televisionwithoutpity.com, people are avoiding this one based on the blurb. So I am spoiling it. Rocky ain't dead. His tv career might be, though. But really, perhaps this show does need to be canceled when this is all there is to make an episode about.
Rocky lives! Rocky wandering around during pumpkin season -- October 2010
Rocky’s Last Stand
So we start with Matt petting Rocky. Matt voices over how Rocky can’t walk as he pets the dog. Matt notes how Rocky is only 10 and destined to live a long life. I note that Rocky is a bull mastiff and ten is old. Having owned a large dog myself, that’s unfortunately about how old large dogs get. It’s not a mystery. In fact if you look up bull mastiffs on wikipedia, the info is right there. Please note this for later.
So they are taking Rocky to the vet. He’s stiff, there’s an eye infection. Yeah, maybe you should take the dog to the vet. We get a scene of Zach strangling the dog for a bit trying to get him in the car. Really? No one on the camera crew thought “hey, that might hurt the damn dog, maybe we should help the guy who weighs *less* than the dog to get it in the van.“? Really? That’s what a dog’s pain is worth? Then Zach tries to lift him in. This fails, possibly because bull mastiffs can weigh over 130 pounds aka more than Zach. Then a female friend helps lift the dog in after they‘ve tortured the poor arthritic thing for a bit. I wonder where Jeremy was? This sure seems like a task for the only able bodied buff male….
So now we have crew cut Zach taking Rocky in. We then get full head of hair Zach talking about Rocky and some scenes from like three seasons ago where they first took Rocky to the vet over an eye issue. Amy hay bales about Rocky and thinks Rocky is old for a dog. The dog is prescribed some arthritis medicine.
Oh there’s kitties. There’s Spike and Mo, and frankly they all seem to get along. (trust me, I have seen dog/cat issues, what we are seeing are dog and cats being a lil grumpy). Now Zach and Molly bring in a barn kittie to meet the housecats. This is perhaps the gentlest feral barn cat I have ever seen. Did everyone know that introducing barn cats to house cats can lead to feline leukemia? Oh hey, forgive me, if a Roloff does it, then it’s blessed by God and *perfect*. This cat diplomacy ends with hissing.
Amy sadly notes the medicine doesn’t seem to work. There is somber music. Amy hay bales how important Rocky is and pets him. This is sort of like when I knew that Flower the Meercat was gonna buy it. Except that Animal Planet doesn’t actually jerk you around like this and in fact Flower died. What with all the photos of Rocky wandering around in October 2010 pumpkin season, I am guessing this episode won’t end with a grave being dug and Rocky used to fertilize more giant pumpkins.
Or WILL IT? Dun dun DUNNNNN!
So now Matt calls Rocky an old goat and gives him pills. Jeremy drags him on the dog bed to the office and he is given pills. Matt, Jeremy, the rest of the lesser crap Roloffs? Put the pills in some butter. It’s that easy.
Meanwhile Spike purrs and Molly is all “oooh purrs”. Molly hay bales how Matt hates cats. Spike purrs for the camera. Its sweet.
Jake has a turtle. His voice is changing. There is a sequence where Spike hissed at Ardvark the turtle while Rocky watches. Spike seems to hiss a lot.
Matt wants the dog genetically tested to see what the problem is. What a waste of money. It’s a bull mastiff. I mean, I’m not a dog expert and I can tell it’s a bull mastiff and all a genetic test is going to tell you is what breed the dog is. And since I know its been mentioned on the show before, the Roloffs already know the dog is a bull mastiff and all you have to do is type in “bull mastiff” on wikipedia and you can get a list of common genetic disorders for the breed. I mean, I know this episode is essentially a product plasement for one of the soccer team sponsors but really, what morons take their dog for this sort of test without any sort of minimal research?
Matt is all “lets have Jeremy put him down” and like… geez. More on this later. Matt alludes to hip dysphasia, although he doesn’t say the words. There is more somber music. They take the dog for his *genetic* test. Jeremy hay bales how its sad. I wonder if he realizes what his role will be in this. You know, to take his pal Rocky to the wood shed and put his shotgun to the dog’s head and blow the dog’s head off. Everyone understands that this is what Matt wants Jeremy to do, right? Not only have I seen Old Yellar, I read the book too. Matt wants Jeremy to put a shot gun to his beloved dog’s head and splatter his brains out. Rocky manfully handles the blood test. Matt goes on about how sad it is to have the dog be put down. Easy when you’re not the one who actually has to accomplish the “do it at home” aspect, huh, big man?
So Rocky is chased down the stairs by the cats. This reminds me of my friend Static with muscular dystrophy who hates cats and who periodically messages me that the cats have taken position on his chest and are suffocating him since he can’t bat them off. Cats are evil, evil creatures. Matt clearly views cats as evil, so ok. In fairness the dog/cat stare downs are funny. So Rocky heads out to the hot tub and Zach takes him in. Then one of the *sponsors of Zach’s team is the genetic testing company* and miracles of miracles, Rocky is a bull mastiff! And they live from 9-11 and everyone in the Roloff clan is SHOCKED. Really? This wasn’t freely available information?
Matt goes on about how much pain the dog is in and the genetic testers are all “you need to consider euthanasia”. Amy hay bales that its sad and they have a lot to consider. So now Matt compares Rocky to Jake in levels of affection as they play Risk. Yeah, I can see that. Matt goes on about how Jeremy should put the dog down. Matt compares it to seeing “Old Yellar” and that it’s timeless. Amy notes that Matt wouldn’t personally do it. Matt clearly states “Jeremy and I” should do it. Amy insists on a vet handling it.
Now Matt pets the dog and hay bales how the genetic test says Rocky is near his end. Oh god there’s so much wrong with that. All the genetic showed was that Rocky is a bull mastiff. Its not a medical diagnosis and its not “what’s wrong” with the dog. Genetic testing the dog proves nothing but what type of dog you have and this is incredibly misleading.
Matt voices over how awesome Rocky is to where Rocky is his unconditional friend who he plans to have shot by Jeremy when the time comes. Ok, seriously now, what idiot has to prove how big a man he is by shooting a dog? Roloffs? If you aren’t *dirt poor* you can afford to have your pet humanely euthanized. You own two Mercedes and a 34 acre farm. Only soulless monsters have their slack jawed eldest shoot their pet to death to make a point like this. And since Matt made the Old Yellar comparison, people, that means he doesn’t plan to have Jeremy gently inject Rocky with a sedative and then the killing hypo, he means he wants Jeremy to put a gun to Rocky.