This is the preview from TLC:
Zach is stuck in a rut and still living at home. Matt and Amy struggle to motivate him to move forward in life, but it's the arrival of a new girlfriend that changes Zach's life in immeasurable ways.
Our guest reviewer Rap541 has graciously agreed to recap the episode:
Written By Rap541
So lets see, Zach is dating. Good lord, really? Is this what passes for extraordinary now? I am willing to bet actual cash money that we get Matt at some point hay baling how he was a stud at Zach's age and is glad that Zach is finally getting with the program and sowing his seed. Because you know, men need to plow fields (aka have sex with a lot of girls) before they settle down with just one woman as an "old goat". I also bet Matt will not in any way attempt to suggest that Molly should be out "plowing fields" as she is a perfect little princess, and those girls with Zach and Jeremy? Apparently aren't someone's daughters so Matt doesn't care!
For the record, I bet this is a snooze-fest and Zach, like Jeremy, is getting way too old to be Daddy's little helper and Mommy's little man.
Onto the episode....
So apparently I am missing American Idol for this. I would be more upset if American Idol hadn’t started to suck. I sit through Toddlers and Tiaras where Brock, a boy, is prancingly delighted at how he won both King and Queen Taco Grand Supreme at the ball. Then I realize that the family show Little People Big World is airing at 9pm here. So I switch back to the game. There are a LOT of fat Giants, just saying. Also why is a family show on so late? Well, at least the game is kind of exciting.
Hmmm the game is done (Go Giants! Go cute Eli Manning!) and I switch back to TLC and dear god the show still isn’t on. Now we’re up to the Toddlers and Tiaras showdown between Mackenzie and Eden which by the way is a straight up rerun. Honestly, if I was a Hoarders: Buried Alive fan, I would be totally mad about how LPBW took their late night spot.
Did I mention how late the family show is on?
And how there’s no rerun of the previous specials? And how hilarious it is that rerunning an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras instead of a LPBW special is the financial decision of TLC? And they’re running the special against American Idol and the football playoffs? Yeah TLC cares.
We start with indoor soccer and then we’re in Matt’s office. Matt interrogates Zach on how he’s a loser. Matt hay bales how soccer isn’t a long term career. He demands Zach explain how a career in soccer will be monetized. I imagine its as likely as photography being lucrative, Matt. Does everyone know that photographers average about 30k per year? Makes you wonder how Jer-Bear will buy himself a million dollar house like Matt. Matt tells Zach he’s less than Jeremy and he will toss Zach out of the nest if need be since Jeremy is fully supporting himself now . Oh wait…Jer’s never held a job that Daddy Matt didn’t give him and Daddy Matt is paying for the big boy’s lucrative art school degree.
Zach notes he’s 21 and in community college and has no future. He seems to like the job at the soccer place. He continues to note he wants to be a professional coach,. We get some old footage. Really, it is just sad that there’s no one in Zach’s life that’s ever had a serious career discussion with him.
Now we meet the girl. She apparently has been around since 2010. She likes soccer so Zach thinks she’s hot. Molly seems to like her. Zach takes his family on his dates. There’s cute handholding. Zach notes they smooched in the swamp fort. They rent trikes and race and it feels staged since yeah, its all in front of the cameras. Zach notes how shy his girl is.
Zach notes that people stare and she needs to be strong etc etc. There’s a clearly forced discussion with Jake, in a resteraunt, saying “HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DATING TORI!
I kind of get the vibe through out this entire episode that Matt and Amy see Tori as a passing fancy.
Amy notes how shocked she is that Zach is dating. Matt also notes how Zach is dating. Considering how incredibly important Zach dating has been, perhaps he decided to get with the program to get Mom and Dad off his back? Everyone eats spaghetti. Amy thinks Tori will dump his ass. Matt uses the moment to embarrass Zach and hay bales how he’s glad Zach is finally plowing some fields and being more like Jeremy.
Amy chides Zach about how the job at Indoor Goals is crap and he needs to be more like Jeremy. I’m really unsure why dead end job and unrealistic career goals is less acceptable than no job and unrealistic career goals but I’m sure someone will tell me. Amy tells him how stagnate he is. Zach hay bales how in fact his childhood was rather protected. Amy goes on and on about how Zach is too comfortable and needs to get moving and set goals. The entire time she is lecturing him, she is making him a sandwich and this lecture ends with Amy noting that he needs to man up. And then she hands him his special man meal that she made for her little man. Geez Amy, there’s problem number one.
Back to soccer. Tori likes soccer so she’s like a boyfriend. They play soccer. Zach goes on and on about girls and soccer and soccer and girls and passing the ball. Oooh Conjoined Twins Later! Zach, to be fair, actually looks like he’s been showering. It’s a nice change
Matt and Zach go to the go kart track. Matt wants Zach to learn that Matt is always right and should have his ass kissed more often by Zach. They get the go karts rigged and now we have the obligatory race. Because Roloffs race! This isn’t completely staged and we haven’t seen Matt be a competitive ass over childish things in two previous specials at all. Matt spins out in his car. Frankly it looked fake. Matt notes he did it so Zach could learn to reach for the stars like Matt and not be a loser. Then they eat milk shakes and Matt asks about Tori. Again, maybe some of Zach’s maturity issues come from the fact that Daddy is taking him for go karts and milkshakes at 21. I mean, he’s 21, Matt. Neither Amy or Matt seem to think Tori will stick around long. I’m sure Tori is appreciating that tonight. Matt tells Zach that to keep a woman, he needs to make money. Hmm. I wonder if he told Jeremy that. I recall Jeremy’s lecture involved scoring with as many chicks as possible before being forced to settle for just one. Matt proceeds to tell Zach to man up.
I’m really struck by what an infant Zach is and by how is mom and dad infantilize him.
Oh Hoarders is on! Oh wait, its just the Roloff home! Zach notes how he’s 21 and its time he wore clean clothes. Tori wanders into the pigsty and says eww. She then gets all “what are you keeping?”. Zach notes that Tori is way out of his league They store his crap in the barn. Then Tori asks “How’s Indoor Goals? What do you want to do?” I suspect this is for the camera. Zach is going to look for work with the Portland Timbers. He wants to get his foot in the door but doesn’t seem to know how.
Amy cleans. Then she yells at Zach to get his resume together. Amy hay bales how people will say no to him because he’s a little person. True but there’s more to it than that. Zach heads off to his interview for…. What? I mean there’s no job discussed.
The Portland Timbers guy is an Aussie, I think. Zach actually has a coaching license? Some sort of license. The head coach seems to like him. In fairness, Zach comes off a lot better when Jeremy isn’t there. I’ve wondered that for a long time, if part of the problem is the “conjoined” aspect of the twins’s lives. That’s a mom and dad issue btw, not a Jeremy issue. They talk about coaching scenarios and coaching jobs. I really don’t think this was a job interview at all. Now we have Zach watching the game being played while inspirational music is played. Yeah um… what exactly was he interviewing for?
Zach heads home. The counter is covered with wine bottles. He needs a “D” license and basically they gave him their business card. Amy explains how to read the card. She laughs but again, it’s a problem.
Zach is writing some sort of thank you letter. Mueller jokes, Tori seems to take it seriously. I am genuinely shocked he knows to write a thank you letter. Tori and Zach head out for a date. Zach notes that if he treats a girl nicely, she’s less concerned about his appearance as a dwarf. He seems so shocked. They go to the Tavern. Zach notes that etiquette with a girl is awkward. Zach orders for her. This is what every young couple wants, cameras on a date Zach goes on how he’s in love. I notice we haven’t gotten any hay bales from Tori. Yet.
The date drags on thru the commercial break. They have dated for 7 months. Yet this is being presented as a new thing. Oh finally Tori in a confessional. She likes Zach. She seems nice. Since this was filmed in September, I wonder if they are still dating.
Back at the house. Zach is screwing around with a soccer ball and gets a phone call. He gets called for an internship job. Zach and Matt discuss this intern while Mo licks his butt. I mean, its natural and all but kind of an indicator just how fast this filmed since they didn’t reshoot to avoid cats licking their butts. Matt privately (heh) hay bales that Zach is FINALLY doing something. Because this hasn’t been harped on the entire episode, how Matt is disappointed. Matt notes that he and Amy are attending and this all feels intentional. As in, gosh the Portland Timbers are awfully accommodating and gosh funny how Matt had time in his very busy schedule to attend the game Zach was interning at even though it all seemed to go down at last minute.
Zach gets a special uniform and gets instructed on what to do. He’s time keeping. There is soccer footage. Matt and Pondo of the Cheap Douchebags are there. Zach notes he has to do well or else consider moving to a town with more opportunity.
And we’re back. This is the final game of the season so no, this isn’t a job for Zach. Zach works, and fills out paper work and soccer is played. Zach seems to leave and joins Matt in the stands. Which is odd because it doesn’t seem like the game was over. Zach goes on about his passion. Amy hay bales how Zach is taking a big first step. Matt hay bales how Zach is taking a big first step. And done! Matt and Amy sure don’t think much of Zach, do they?
I feel for Tori.