Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Little People, Big World: Wedding Farm Roloff Episode Review Dec 11, 2012

This review was written and submitted by Rap541

Ok, so for some reason, there’s no rerun of the prior episode, and instead there’s some “I’m obsessed with Christmas decorations” show. I switch over to Law and Order SVU. Oh, over on TelevisionWithoutPity, various posters came up with a drinking game for this show. Here it is.

Drink when Matt or Amy says "We could lose the farm!"
Drink when Amy says "We're hemorrhaging money!"
Drink when Matt says "This could be a disaster!"
Drink twice if Jeremy/Zach/Jake or Molly are on.
Drink if livestock wanders into the "bridal suite"
Drink if Matt tells us how he thinks big and Amy thinks small
Drink twice if Amy says a variation of "I'm not your employee" to Matt
Drink three times if she slams a door
Chug when Matt dumps a crappy chore on Amy (like say, telling people to get the hell out of the barn)
Drink whenever Matt puts his head in his hand and shakes his head a bit, like poor Mr. Put-Upon Husband, who tries so hard, but for that wife of his. Whatever shall he do. Awwww.

Drink whenever Amy reminds us, as if the vicious fights aren't enough of a clue, that the two of them just don't work together very well.

Drink whenever we see Rocky in the background. I like to keep track of whether the poor dog is still living.

Another drink whenever we see Spike, Molly's cat, who her dad promised he'd take care of. Because I'm really worried about Spike now.
Take a drink if a Roloff mentions being an empty nester
Chug if fifteen year old Jake is right there to hear it.
Drink if the Roloffs are on their "last family vacation" again
Drink if all the kids are working an event and Amy tonguebathes Jeremy while ignoring the other kids.
Drink if Matt mentions his failing health or his childhood of torture
Drink twice if he mentions what he could have accomplished if he was average height
Drink three times if he actually collapses
Chug if Amy makes a joke about wishing he was dead
Chug twice if she’s clearly not kidding
Drink: Amy huffs as she is getting into her car, purse swinging to her side, and she slams the car door.
Drink if Matt answers the phone in the middle of a conversation with Amy, and she keeps saying, "DON'T ANSWER THAT WHILE I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

This isn’t all we came up with, I skipped the ones that were more orientated to the older episodes.

Anyway, the final wedding, and the second to last episode of this miniseries. The final episode is Amy and Matt celebrating their own wedding anniversary in a special fashion for the second time in approximately five months. Previously, parking was a disaster and Amy was giving people the boot.

Now we have previews about a wedding being set up in ten days with a Hawaiian theme. So while I think this is all fake, I would point out that really, maybe they shouldn’t take clients with extremely short time frames if it’s such a problem. Particularly if they’re going to complain about it.

Matt begins by complaining about how all these darn guests dare damage plants and apparently plants don’t water themselves. Hard to believe that wedding venues involve actual upkeep! Matt notes how Zach and Jake do NOTHING to help out. Matt notes asking Jake to do something is a waste of breath. Ah yes, expecting a teenager to want to work in the summer…. I seem to recall Jeremy abandoning pumpkin planting for fun at this age. Nice to see Jake, at the same age, emulating the Golden Boy’s bad behavior. Oh and Matt? Lil hint – if you’re actually upset by Jake not helping, do something other than *nothing*. Your kids walk away and goof off because you do *nothing* to correct the behavior.

Matt wants the grass off limits. Ironic that he later covers it with sand. Amy says Matt needs to ease off the visions. Now it just happens that Shannon and her beau need a wedding venue unexpectedly. The wedding will be smaller, and in ten days!

Shannon and Joe get the obligatory tour of the farm. Apparently this is their second choice and money is an issue. Hmm, is anyone surprised? Shannon wants leis and a bamboo arbor. The whole change from Oahu to Portland seems odd but ok. Matt of course is all “I get to do stuff!” and brags about his projects. Amy says they will do what they can… Matt gives her a death glare.

Meanwhile Zach is all into soccer and doing his own thing and expresses how he isn’t interested in the wedding business that isn’t actually real.

Matt and Sven decide to build a volcano because brides really want explosions at their wedding. Matt “Yeah baby’s!” over how it is. Camerino notes how it may not work. Camerino speaks!

Amy looks on at the volcano mess as Camerino moves culverts. Amy seems amused by the plans for fire and a fog machine. Amy asks if Shannon and Joe even know about it .More on this later. Amy haybales how this project stuff sometimes blows up. Amy notes how Matt is out of control and spending all their money. If only she had said “hemorrhaging” money!

Matt fake woos! And fake shouts for the camera “We got a volcano! Just Like I ENVISIONED IT!” But how to make an eruption? Matt explains to Sven, Camerino, and Amy how the explosion will be involved gasoline. Amy notes how all this talk of lighting gasoline sounds e extremely dangerous. Sven snots at Amy. Amy walks out. For the record, napalm and flamethrowers aren’t really words you want to hear in connection to a wedding.

Now we have Joe and Shannon explaining how they’re nice people. They have kids. The daughter is six and they apparently waited to get married until the kids were old enough to understand the wedding. They seem nice.

Now Matt is moving the tiki hut from yesteryear to the wedding area. He also wants to cover the grass with sand for the wedding and they’re “burning the candle at both ends”. Zach wanders in, and Matt says he had hoped this would be a *family* business. Basically this is a forced chat where Matt wants Zach to be on the farm. Matt finds it sad that no one wants to take over the farm. I’m thinking Matt has difficulty understanding that people aren’t required to be on his wavelength.

Sven has an idea for an eruption. Matt makes a big deal about baking soda and vinegar like this isn’t the science experiment we all did in third grade. It fails, because its actually more of a wet reaction than a fire reaction and Matt wants a boom so now Matt gets out the fog machine. Because brides like fog at their wedding, and people who like Hawaii are into volcanos.
Ironically later at the wedding, I didn’t spot any fog, so count that in the “money pissed away” pile.

Zach, Amy, and Matt go to lunch so they can stage a scene for the cameras. Zach is all “I’m gonna move out”. Amy asks if he is reenrolling in school. Interesting what *that* indicates. Matt makes a big deal over Zach and his two pals getting a year lease. They both ask if he will be sad, and Matt hay bales how Zach is a dumbass making a mistake as he hasn’t thought this through. Matt is such a supportive dad, isn’t he?

Matt and Amy rehash the whole thing later in the kitchen. Matt hay bales how it’s a waste of money and he and Amy debate how they basically haven’t taught Zach anything about living in this world. Matt hilariously notes how he wishes Zach was *buying a house* instead of simply moving out (because god knows homebuying on Zach’s salary at Indoor Goals is realistic) and snits how now he can’t even count on Zach being around for the weddings and here he was wanting to give the business to Zach.

Mat and the planner disagree on the sand. Matt wants his way and makes it clear how he can easily do all the sand but no, it’s not wanted. I must admit, I think it would look nice but I also see where a bride might not want to deal with it. Also here’s another reason why I don’t think anyone paid for these weddings. Um… I don’t pay for things I don’t contract for. Matt’s surprise volcano? Where the guest may or may not like it? Do you really think he billed the bride and groom for all the money and labor he threw at that? What about that fog machine? The truckloads of sand no one really asked for?

Now we’re setting the arch. Matt and the wedding planner debate who is right. Again, Matt wants his sand and notes how the planner thinks it will be a little sand but he wants a dump truck of sand. And he respectfully does it behind Justine’s back. Fortunately she likes it.

Now Matt wants to force Zach to participate so Zach’ll see how stupid Zach’s plans are when he could be his daddy’s whipping boy forever. Apparently there’s some issue with the photographer and Zach is going to be the security on keeping them out. Matt tells Zach to step up. And now back to the volcano. It looks kinda lame. Matt notes that “IT’S A DISASTERRRR!”

So the vendors are setting up. There’s trash and garbage all over the barn. There’s curtains? They look bad. Matt sees the bridal party arriving. There’s bridal preparations. Meanwhile Matt wants to dump more sand. Now we have Matt fake shouting how he loves sand and attention! But mostly attention! Justine puts the kibosh on the sand, and Amy agrees. Matt now needs to prove his masculinity by making the volcano explode. 

Matt complains about Zach not being there. Camerino and Sven tell him to quit it. Now the rogue photographer wants in and Matt tells him to leave and notes how this was supposed to be Zach’s job. Zach has failed his father again! How dare he go to his job not on the farm! And apparently the bride’s dress is missing and it’s soon to be a disaster!

Matt, another little hint. If you understand that Zach has a job away from the farm and he tells you that, and that he’ll be back at a certain time, then you end up looking like a demanding ass, complaining that the employee who made sure to let you know he wasn’t available, isn’t available. When an employee tells you they won’t be there, your job as the boss is to handle it.
So the guests are getting restless. The dress is found! Meanwhile Matt is still complaining how Zach isn’t there dealing with it. As the rogue photographer finally leaves, Matt snickers how he loves confrontation. The wedding is finally moving. As Shannon voices over her wedding tale, I see how all the dirt and sand might be an issue for the wedding dress…. The curtains at the door looks really bad. The groom crying is sweet. Amy tells the planner that they’re gonna be lucky if the volcano blows at all. The newlyweds suck face.  There’s photos. Amy calls Matt about her texts about the volcano.

 Zach finally shows up from Indoor Goals. Matt seems annoyed. The reception has a tent. Matt notes how his project the volcano is really the most important thing. There’s a cool fire dance. I can totally see all the guests shrieking causing noise complaints. Matt notes how this volcano and wedding is all about him! But will it work?

Commercial break – well played as always, TLC.

So now everyone is chanting “blow it up” Matt notes that the middle of the wedding is a great time for an explosion. Matt notes how failure is not an option. It poofs fire. Yeah, I’ll be honest, I don’t think they paid for it. I’d be annoyed if I paid money for it.

Zach is packing actual trash for his move. Amy now seems more supportive. Zach may or may not take the couch. Amy reminds him out he’s on a budget now. Zach drama queens how he’s stress sick. Amy notes how he’ll need to make his little man meals from now on. Matt says something about Zach leaving that is basically platitudes. Amy notes how Matt probably expected Zach to stay on the farm since he’s such a waste.

Matt and Amy reflect on how awesome they are to be empty nesters finally. They both seem possibly a lil drunk.

Next week, Sven shouts at the two of them, and we have the second “it’s our 25thanniversary!” episode in the last five months. Hey perhaps Rocky can disappear for this one too?


Natalie said...

Sorry Rap, but I can't agree about Jacob.

He's a little brat. He's a brat on the tv show. He's a brat on twitter.

On the tv show, he does nothing. When he does talk for a few seconds, he complains.

On twitter, he complains or likes tweets from his friends that call people fags, retards or talk about Jacob being a pot head.

Mt Hood Man said...

Did you notice that the "rogue photographer" could barely keep a straight face during his "confrontation" with Matt.

So just after the happy couple exchange vows, they walk back down the aisle and the first person to greet them is Amy? Have you ever heard of a wedding in which the owners of the venue are always inserting themselves into the ceremony and reception?

Note to Matt, sand dunes remind me of the Great Lakes, not Hawaii.

The volcano was just pathetic. Pathetic that Matt would even consider something like that without consulting the bride and groom, pathetic in his discussions of napalm and gasoline, and pathetic in its final execution. It looked like a person throwing garbage into a store bought fire pit on top of a small hill.

BeckyM said...

Okay so a question for Rap... there's actually other websites that remember that there is a Roloff television show? and they actually discuss it?

Because IMO when I've gone to websites that cover reality television, the Roloffs' shows don't even show up. There isn't even the funny re-craps they give for shows such as Hell's Kitchen, Survivor, Bachelor etc...

I'm just surprised is all.

BeckyM said...

I'm a little behind on posting here... I honestly meant to post last week that the next episode (the ep reviewed here) will have some contrived situation about THE DRESS.

Wow! Darn! I'm right. Reality television is so gripping and true to life I wonder ever how I guessed right?

Next week will be the loving reunion of our squabbling duo who will confess that it was all hard to do but they pulled together and their love is as strong as EVAH!!!

Podge/Rodge groupie said...

There are a fgew things I don't understand here.
Amy asks Zach, "So are you RE-enrolling at college"? Uh, what was the result of the FIRST enrolling in college?
Aym chides Zach that he isn't capable of living away from home. Why? How much enabling did Amy do for her lame duck son over the years? How much did she baby him and make sandwiches and get him out of bed for school etc. etc. and THEN turns on him with the "I never did anything to make you capable of living on your own, gave you hints, told you to make your own damn sandwiches, and now I'm throwing you under the bus. And by the way, bucko, it has nothing to do with my self-centered horrible parenting skills. All in front of the camera".
The Matt-mind-muddling about how everyone should be on HIS wave length. "I like to build forts, so Jacob MUST want to build forts, too. I want to have a TLC comped wedding venue business (?), so Zach MUST want to operate it, too. I run around shouting orders to make strangers' special day all about me, so everyone within the sound of my voice MUST run around and make it all about me, too. I can railroad Amy to accepting any of my ideas, so the wedding planner on contract to the couple MUST allow me to railroad her, too."
Zach's leaving home did not have the same fanfare and weeping, emotional reaction that the other two kids did. Will Jacob's leaving home even be mentioned? Provided, of course, Matt finds yet another way to stay on TV for three more years. Which fills me with more fear than the ending of the Mayan Calendar in a couple of weeks!

When is Matt going to realize that no one cares? His children have no interest at all in his delusions of having to do something extraordinary, his pathological need for attention, all at the expense and sweat and toil of all around him?

When is Amy going to relaize that her intentions might want to be a little broader than all geared toward herself? Not her motherhood, not her husband, not the idea that she actually might have something to say? Get over it, girl. Life goes on. Really, it does!

Rap541 said...

Natalie, you misunderstand. I think Jake was being a brat the same way I thought Jeremy was being a brat at exactly the same age in dodging chores.

Everyone always assumes that I "let Jake off the hook". No, I just think there's a point where when you're nine, you're not an adult and shouldn't be judged or compared to a 17 year old. Now Jake is almost sixteen and he's acting as badly as big brother Jeremy did at that age. Note - my saying he's acting badly is not letting him off the hook.

And my comment to Matt, about how Matt needs to actually discipline his kid instead of just complaining? Is similar to comments I made about Matt and Jeremy and Zach.... How the boys act has been a parenting issue since day one.

Jake hasn't been as nasty as Jeremy online as yet, but I trust you don't think Jake is a boy being a boy and needs to be excused as a boy for his twitter comments as "it doesn't mean a thing", right? So if Jake is a rude brat on twitter, I trust you'll agree that Jeremy wasn't a blessed boy "making a mistake" over his own online language - Jeremy was a rude mouthy brat, no qualifiers for Jake, no qualifiers for Jeremy - they are rude mouthy brats. Same age, same behavior, yet I am certain while no one will disagree about Jake, there will be someone whining how Jeremy somehow was giving us his Christ like wisdom with his rude mouthy online comments.

Natalie said...

Rap, I don't know why you're getting like that.

It has nothing to do with Jeremy. I'm not a Jeremy fan either!

I'm just saying that I think Matt was right with his comment (whether it was scripted for drama or not) about it being a waste to ask Jacob to do anything.

In my opinion, Jacob comes off on the show as a lazy pouting brat.

I can't put that all to TV editing because on twitter, Jacob comes off as a rude whining pouting brat.

I wasn't talking about Jeremy. I agree that Jeremy has been nasty online. Actually, I find myself wanting to scream in frustration as I see all of Jeremy's and his girlfriend's Audrey's tweets about Coram Deo and how he lives life under the presence of God when he treats other "children of God" so coldly time and time again and then buddies up with his friends that even more nasty.

But my opinion of Jeremy wasn't what I was talking about.

It was about the scene with Jacob.

Rap541 said...

Natalie - I'm just not defending Jake and I don't see why you're jumping on me. My only defense is that if Matt wants to bitch on national tv about poorly his kids act, maybe instead of whining after the fact, he should try disciplining Jake like a parent. What consequence did Matt give Jake for walking off a task? ANything? Grounding him? Or did Jake do as he wanted and Matt did nothing to correct the behavior?

Its the same parenting style that worked so well with Jeremy and Zach. This is what Matt does when his kids openly defy him... nothing. And thats why they continue to do it... Daddy and Mommy aren't going to punish them.

As for his twitter comments - I think the comparison to Jeremy is fair, they both behave badly and they're both old enough to know better.

Rap541 said...

Becky - the only "active" forum I know of is at and its not that active. I know still has a forum but most of the people who posted there either drifted away or post here.

kitten Has claws said...

Same Ole' Same Ole' Matt and his hoorays for himself. Nobody can do nothing like Matt, of course in reality he just orders everybody to do the work. Jake still have that ever growing cow-patty on his shoulder...its stinks as does his attitude. Makin' Poppa Proud...grow up Jake we the viewing audience or whats left of us think your not cute doing this. Amy didn't seem to be as snarky to Matt this episode. The wedding dress Ugghhhh..yeah right really..cough*cough. Guess they could not use the dropped cake as its been done..photograher trying to get in...come on...geesh. Amy first to greet the happy couple...PLEASE step back and let the familys have their wedding. OK anyways..The Best Part=THE END *was the cat shown the one that was tossed HIGH into the air???*

Stacey said...

I thought it was terrible that Zach, after all this time, finally grows up enough to move out and both Matt and Amy tell him it's a bad idea and he's making a mistake. WTF???

Susan Coles said...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but when Jeremy moved away (it was only last year right?) the family hailed him as hero. They also spent the entire episode rubbing it in Zach's face, shaming him with "Jeremy moved out, what about you Zach? What are you doing? Why are you still at home and Jeremy is the hero off to California to a photography school that accepts anyone with money (well, they didn't include that part).

Now that Zach finally realizes it's time he does something on his own, Matt and Amy bad mouth him and are all sour instead of being encouraging.

Susan Coles said...

Rap and Natalie,

I know what Rap means about Jeremy at the same age. I remember when Jeremy quit planting pumpkin seeds way back when.

What is amazing, is how Matt, but the entire family, worships Jeremy.

Despite Jeremy's history, they make him out to be a hero, a legend. You could almost hear Matt wanting to say "If only Golden Boy Jeremy was here" while he was bad mouthing Zach and Jacob.

But that's all going along with the ridiculous idea that anything in these Wedding shows are real.

Like Rap said, of course Zach has no interest in taking control of the wedding's not a real business.

Maybe it's code for the "Reality TV whore business"? That's the real Roloff family business.

Carly said...

These Wedding shows suck because there's no Jeremy or hardly any Jeremy.

I think there is an elephant in the room. Jeremy was the only reason people watch. I think the reason why TLC canned the weekly series was because Jeremy was leaving.

The only tweets about the show are from teen girls or 20 somethings about Jeremy's hotness.

Look what's happened since Jeremy left? The shows suck.

Jacob is still too young to carry the mantle of hot normal Roloff son and quite frankly his personality sucks. Jeremy might have an ego and think he's awesome, but at least he doesn't have a 5000 pound chip on his shoulder like miserable bored Jacob.

TLC would be smarter doing a series around Jeremy instead of lame wedding shows.

kitten Has claws said...

I feel sad for sick of his parents making like Jeremy is the "Golden Boy" of the family...way to go Matt and Amy make your son feel like a failure..ya think he doesnt remember allll the many times you smooch Jer's arse? GET A CLUE your making Zach feel worthless...Zach stand your ground do what you want to do..your parents sure do as they damn well please. I hate when parents play favorites..oh such good christian folk if only in their own small minds. Best part as always-THE END

Shorty said...

Isn't Oregon a same sex marriage state? Would like to see the roloffs unwillingly host a gay ceremony where the grand finale is Jeremy and Jacob, each in a thong, leap from the wedding cake. Just imagine the look on Matt and Amy's face as the final credits roll ending this bigoted series

kitten Has claws said...

To Shorty...No Oregon is not a same sex marriage state. Washington is, but not Oregon. (however i think your idea on the cake n thong would be sooo funny and maybe worth the watch! I think Matt & Amy should be the little couple on top of the cake..2nd thougt NIX that its to far to the outdoor crappers to hurl~~ and you know how they like to be right in the middle of other peoples weddings--to heck with the wedding couples REAL Relatives *rolls eyes* As always..the end=the best.

sassenach said...

This whole fake thing just gets more unbelievable.

Matt saying it is for profit and extra expense takes away his profit margin.
He must charge an enormous sum if there is enough margin for the "volcano" bearing in mind all the time/labor, chemicals and experiments.
But then who would PAY to be exploited on TV and have Amy strutting around everywhere in her Hawaian dress including the bride's dressing room and stupidly taking photos of what she surely knows is being filmed.

We have the obligatory cameos by Zach and Jake. Is this solely so that they can be paid?

Then there is Matt being Matt by proving what a jerk he is. You are getting sand, lots of sand, whether you want it or not.

Zack is too immature to leave home unlike the Golden Boy Jer who happens to be excatly the same age.

This is only worth watching to see how far it can push the limits of insulting viewers' intelligence.