Review Written By Rap541
So let me be upfront. Today started really badly for me. I got my first cup of coffee, and sat down at my desk to check my email and BAM! Suddenly I was on the floor with my head ringing! My desk chair of fourteen year unexpectedly collapsed! I also bit the hell out of my tongue and sprained some toes. So I’m in a mood. (Lest anyone blame Jesus, it’s my own fault because I knew the chair was getting rickety but feel free to run with that “Jesus hurts people who piss him off” because I will enjoy reminded you all that under these Jesus rules, Jesus dislocated Audrey’s shoulder because she pissed him off.
In the rerun episode, I notice that Jeremy has a weird little “douche-stache” when he’s at the dinner with Zach, Tory and Auj. I also love that Matt is an utter pisspants about having his dinner at when Amy was pretty clear that the timing was going to come from the kids. Let me explain – Matt pitched a fit over the timing when the kids were the ones who actually were responsible for it. Also am I the only one who doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving by breaking shit in the barn while inebriated?
Next up! The Christmas horror!
This is basically going to be a fight between Matt and Amy.
Amy loves celebrating Christmas but now the divorce is happening and she’s sad because she’ll be alone Christmas day. Poor Amy. Now Matt starts up with how they used to do all kinds of things for the holiday and it will never be the same. Poor Matt.
Tory and Zach make wreathes. They want to do new traditions. They talk about doing a white elephant gift thing. I don’t like them, personally but it is a good way to cut down on the gift craziness. Now there’s a family meeting with Auj and Jer at the farm over Christmas and plans… Everyone seems to love the idea of the white elephant in that they all agree to do it. Then Amy explains the main plot of the episode. They’re doing a fun charity “be nice to kids with crappy lives” thing. Matt of course is all let’s do this big! It has to be kicked up a notch! He merrily craps on Amy’s idea’s of crafts and a farm table. He wants BIG BIG ROLOFF BIG. Jer notes how Dad wants something cool, not like mom’s ideas. Basically this is going to be a fight.
Now Amy meets with the charity folks. They check out the barn. She wants a winter wonderland, a small town Christmas feel.
It’s now ten days to the winter wonderland. Matt wants to do some “stuff” in the old Christmas tree farm. This will involve special effects? Jer moans about how much work it is. He hay bales how this will tick off Amy. Yeah this is pretty much going to be Matt and Amy griping at each other.
I think btw that the event itself is staged for the show, that they needed something to do an episode over and didn’t REALLY want to do Christmas. However I think a lot of the arguing is real.
Auj and Jer are wandering around Portland because they don’t have jobs or responsibilities. They get a whte elephant present. Auj and Jer go on and on how they love being together on the holidays all by themselves. They don’t mention the Jesus Jammies.
Then the “boys” head off to get Christmas trees. There’s fake drama over chopping the tree down but not being able to carry it and then poof we’re done. Then the twins make tree stands and we get clips from when everyone wasn’t so bitchy.
Amy makes treats and there’s the white elephant exchange. They keep referring to it as a competition, which I dunno, I never found them that hard. Zach manages to choose his own gift. Tory and Zach cutely debate how he did crappy gifts. Auj also chooses her own gift, a tampon flask! A TAMPON FLASK! Amy steals the tampon flask from Auj. Amy reminiscences. Amy also manages to regift a picnic basket and there’s a book by John Muir?
Now we’re off to decorate the barn! Jer and Auj publically wax on how they prefer to do stuff on their own with wine. I mean, other people are there. Matt of course says “I need to go get some *real work* done” – which is a huge ass move particularly when its clearly evening and um… its winter. How much farm stuff happens in winter? It’s the passive aggressive stuff that makes it pathetic. Amy is actually quite right, he can’t let her do anything without shitting on it.
Matt is of course “planning a surprise” which will make it ok. Honestly this is why they are getting divorced, people.
Amy and her friend Lisa are doing crafts. The kids are getting a stocking, snowglobe and cookies. Matt is doing some sort of laser show in the wood line and is of course telling the world that he won’t tell Amy because Amy hates all that is good and fun. Again, painting your wife as Queen Bitch of the World is probably why you broke your vows to Christ.
Amy and Matt fight in the office. He accuses her of blabbing and she gets mad. They bitch about each other. Matt in particular is noting how he’s not trying to upstage her with the lasers and train but her ideas are so bad and he’s so grand and special…
So Amy does the all hands on deck line. There’s crafts. Tory and Zach want Christmas morning to be their special time. Amy notes it will fail when there’s kids. Amy wants grand kids. Auj and Jer went to the movies. I wonder if they know that’s actually a Jewish tradition for Christmas day?
Now a school bus of damaged kids are dumped off to be given joy. The holiday barn looks nice. There’s crafts. I’m bored but I hate crafts so. Molly is there and Matt is all “bitch please, your mom has no idea what we’re gonna do. Its gonna make craft and cookie hour look like crap hour!”
Amy is happy they’re having fun. So of course Matt is off to do his grand entrance. AND COMMERCIAL!
Because you know….
It’s a fun holiday train. Matt feels it fits in. Now basically we have innocent kids being hauled into the woods with a strange man. Amy and Lisa are doing stockings and presents for all the kids. On the train, it’s getting as trippy as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’s ferry ride scene. Oh look Audrey yapping. Gosh knows we needed more of that.
And there’s fake snow in the barn. The kids get presents which is nice. The kids have fun. They need to not have Sully everywhere – he seems like a nice dog but… Now there’s endless picture taking and now Audrey is yapping how special it is. Then Amy drama queens over the picture taking because it’s a lil hurtful to exclude her from all the fun pictures. Then she gets her dog and is good.
Everyone goes on and on about how awesome the party was. Amy says the farm with never be his or hers, oh Amy of course.
Next week Amy is off dating while Matt is all “I AM STUCK IN THIS FARM AND WANT TO SELL”. Yeah Jeremy clearly isn’t happy about that pronouncement. The dad on Outdaughtered seems so dumb…
Oh kids, look. You know what I didn’t include in this recap? Any mention of any current dramas swirling about certain Roloffs. You know why I didn’t include them? Because they didn’t happen on the show. I was being courteous. I note for the record that Jacob and Isobel weren’t in tonight’s episode. Think about it.
Written By Podge/Rodge groupie
Review of “A Roloff Wonderland” or whatever
OK, before I begin, how many of you counted the number of time the word ‘divorce’ was used in last week’s episode? Because it was totally absent in this week’s episode.
Not too much commentary on the episode itself this week, because there wasn’t that much of substance there, Their possible meanings and questions will follow.
Zach and Tori are at their house. Mention a White Elephant gift exchange. Round table meeting in Matt’s office. Jeremy was disdainful to his dad about Matt’s idea of a White Elephant gift exchange. What’s with the stupid cut-off finger gloves, never knew Special Jer to be such a fashion plate.
Amy wants it quaint and small. Matt, against his wife’s wishes, wants it big and flashy. Here we go with the bad dynamic again. Soooooo tired of the bad dynamic thing. Amy wants ONE tree, Matt brings THREE. Twins, the trees would last longer and shed fewer needles if placed in water. But with the staging, they were probably put up one day before. Product placement for Archibald Sisters. Uh, Audrey, a TAMPON FLASK? Are you kidding me? Please get your mind out the gutter. Bad for a ‘good’ Christian girl.
Why do they keep showing a broken trebuchet and a windmill that doesn’t DO anything? How can TLC possibly be proud for paying for that useless item.
Jeremy puts his brother down in a typically Jeremy James Jesus condescending manner. Zach, this. Zach, that. Zach, this. Zach,
And Zach agrees with this! What? Twisted dynamic.
White Elephant time. Special Jer dictates the rules holding a beer. Decorating in the barn. Auj – “we want to be by our own tree” fair enough. Special Jer – “and drink our own wine” NO alcohol problem here (??). Matt blows Amy off. Not much to do out in the farm for ‘real work’ Matt, bad bad acting.
Slick Lasers product placement. It’s amazing how Special Jer complains “this is going to be sooooooo much work” and of course they do NOTHING. Matt and Amy argue in the office. More on this later. Matt’s a jerk. Amy’s a bag.
Molly fulfills her contractual obligations buy putting in an appearance. No mention of any other Spawns of Satan by name, so they can’t be talked about in the comments. The kids have fun. Matt shits on Amy by not including her in the family photos. Than all is well. Oh oh, Matt mentions selling the farm next week. The look on Special Jer’s face = priceless!
OK, here are some observations and questions.
1. I checked, and indeed Matt and Amy are still listed as Executive Producers, along with other Associates and yadda yadda and like that there. So Matt and Amy know the content of the episode, and play a large part in deciding the content of each episode. So does that mean that Amy MUST agree with the content of the episode? She must agree to get pooped on by her jerk husband on this regular basis? She agrees with the staged treatment of her?
2. Matt said two things I wish to comment on. That “Amy was in her element” helping the kids (Sparks of Hope product placement) with the crafts when he was chatting with Molly. Also, he admitted that he was amiss in not including Amy in the family photos, then the photos with the kids. OK, WHY does he not say this to Amy on national TV? Why haybale it? Talk to your ex right in front of the cameras, MR.
3. Matt has not made any movement from his jerky-boys attitude and tried to acquiesce to more of Amy ideas. Amy has not made any movement from her crabby bitch attitude and tried to acquiesce to more of Matt’s ideas. They are so stubborn, and take such delight in pushing each others buttons, as Zach observed previously, that it would appear (wink wink) that no reconciliation is possible at all. Also they are still getting paid to put this garbage on national TV. Is that the reason? They’ve had many episodes in the past with their constant bickering, so sorry Roloffs, this is not news to any of us. I know the reason behinds both of their attitudes from the history of the show, but it’s time to let some things go. Both of you.
4. What is with Audrey and her fixation? For a supposedly good Christian girl? A tampon flask??? So you can smuggle liquor into an event? Not very honest of you, Ste. Auj. I can’t wait for the holier-than-thous here to say this is harmless, a little fun, stop persecuting (I LOVE that!!) our dear girl of christ for wanting to smuggle liquor into an event in a flask shaped like a tampon? I might even read some of those comments.
5. I never heart of that style of gift giving, which I have participated in, as a White Elephant. I'm more used to the term White Elephant being things like the Millennium Dome, Russky Bridge or the Sydney Opera House. Even I can learn something on LPBW. Imagine that!