Written By Rap541
So on rewatching, the skype conversation between Matt and Jeremy seems super fake. On a weird note, I kinda wonder what Amy does with Matt’s old office in the house. And I really think we should all campaign for Jeremy and Auj to have Matt build them a tiny house down on the farm so a) they can cram themselves into a hipster version of a camper and pretend its amazing and b) they can be fifty feet away from Matt so Jeremy can devote himself to his wished for future, being ON THE FARM, FARMING! I mean, why is Jeremy in Bend when he could be at Matt’s side daily, proudly working on the farm he wants so much, and learning from his daddy. Why, if Jeremy wanted it, he could be saying “Yes Matt, whatever you say, Matt” as much as he wants! Makes you think, doesn’t it?
God, listening to Jeremy and Zach whine like little bitches while fishing was hilarious. Good lord, the bonus scenes are the wives decorating Tory’s house and discussing how people who are short need to reach for things. Back at camp, the men are pretending there’s no food and seem to be drinking beer. Bill magically produces grilled cheese. Also watching Jer insist to his dad that he knows it all is HILARIOUS. As is Jeremy’s utter entitlement. It’s Jeremy’s biggest issue? Maybe the big boy needs to make his own life?
Oh this is all about the wedding blog! Jer and Auj are getting a commercial for their marriage website in the same episode Jeremy’s parents divorce! Sometimes I suspect production doesn’t like Jer all that much.
In Bend, Auj nags Jeremy to wash the dishes. Jer likes leaving dirty dishes around and Auj doesn’t like it and Jeremy thinks they will struggle with that forever! Yeah I really get the impression Auj doesn’t like it when he doesn’t mind. Tory and Zach walk Sully and they apparently have somewhat opposing schedules. They contemplate doing tennis together as a date.
Sully is a pretty dog.
Auj and Jeremy stare at their laptops and talk marriage because god knows they have nothing else to say since they don’t work and aren’t allowed to have friends who might tempt them. It’s fairly bland and so fair no mention of how they are married to Christ, or that they are covenant married or how they don’t support gay marriage as it is against their religious beliefs. Seriously, there’s no mention of their faith at all in this discussion. Isn’t that odd? Oh and spoiler alert, their love affair with Jesus is NOT mentioned, that their website is for CHRISTIAN COVENANT MARRIAGES is not mentioned at all, and of course, because they’re in it for the money, their personal belief that gay marriage is wrong and their website is not for homosexuals is NOT mentioned.
Matt and Amy discuss the salsa business. There’s some deadline over the story of the salsa and also there’s the divorce. Amy concedes that she missed a deadline. It’s surprisingly mature at first. Matt also wants the divorce done as quickly as possible but there’s no real discussion why.
Of course Jer and Auj are interviewing Auj’s parents because WHY NOT? Audrey babbles on about the 50 percent. Her dad seems nice. The important thing is that all the info comes from the parents and not the prize pairing of Jer N Auj.
Amy and Matt are getting smocks on to see the canning process of the salsa. Matt calls Amy a smock, and she gets pissed, and Matt’s all “poor you”. Honestly this is pretty dull and while Matt wants to take it nationwide, I don’t know. I’m not even asking if anyone has tried the Roloff salsa… has anyone ever tried pumpkin salsa ever? I haven’t because I am a pretty tomatoes, onions, cilantro, and peppers sort when it comes to salsa.
Now we have AujNJer interviewing the guy who married them. The couple checks on each other once a day and Jeremy is all “That’s intentional” like that’s wise when really, it’s not like they are butt dialing each other. (To be fair, I saw this comment elsewhere and found it hilarious because it made a great point – of course it’s *intentional* Jeremy, any time someone calls someone else it’s intentional) Now Jeremy gets to take pictures since he has to contribute something other than standing around.
Zach and Tory drop their granddog off with Amy so they can have date night and maybe play tennis. Sully is almost as big as my akita.
Personal note – you know how my grandparents met? My grand dad was a GI and my grandmother was a nurse in the RAF and they met in a bomb shelter in London and according to my grandmom, they were married less than . Love is love. Oh and my parents, with my mom who rivals and exceeds Amy for sheer passive aggressiveness? Are on year 51.
Tory teaches Zach tennis. He admits it’s difficult. I seriously suggest the both of them try racquetball. (smaller court, and Zach could be more competitive)
So its two days before the EVENT! Jeremy continues to harp on how he was the one most affected by his parents divorce. Amy is asked and says she wished she had been stronger and more forceful in the early years of her marriage. I notice they don’t interview Matt of the “I HAVE NO REGRETS” comments.
Tory and Zach help with the gallery show. Auj notes the prints haven’t come…. And Jer is forced to admit it’s his fault. Auj basically points out that Jer should have overnighted the photos and then wonders why he isn’t calling them to check on them. Gosh she’s hardly a submissive wife.
Now we’re at the divorce attorneys place. Amy wonders why Matt is in such a rush to divorce when she feels horrible and guilty. Amy seems pretty broken up about it. As does Matt. It’s all such a downer for you know, the MARRIAGE BLOG TO LAUNCH. I again seriously suspect the show staff isn’t fond of Jer.
Back at the farm, Amy is still waxing deeply on the divorce. She thinks there were problems for a long time and I agree. Matt thinks they grew apart, I think they stayed together for the kids.
Jeremy is attempting to be a man and is calling the shipping people to get his photos since he didn’t overnight them. He’s wanting to drive to a location to get the photos.
Meanwhile Matt and Amy go for Mexican? To discuss the salsa! Matt is all “it’s what the lawyers say”. Amy scoffs, and Matt is all “I want this shit done faster!”
Amy demands to know if he wants in on the salsa business. He’s basically not into it because…. The divorce has dragged too long? I accept that the argument isn’t being presented well. Oh Matt harps on how his time is so precious. Amy is pretty ready to be done. Oh hey, Matt wants to sell the farm again! Tho they do both look deeply unhappy about it. Personally, I think it’s probably best but… I doubt it will happen as long as TLC shows an interest.
So Jeremy picked up the prints. Auj harps and harps on how he wasn’t owning it. Amy is on board with the event. Auj reminds Jer that he needs a hair tie for his girlish locks! Then they argue in the car or rather Auj demands Jer apologize to her over his dismal performance in organization, and really she does have a point since he did screw it up to begin with. Oh hey Jer, look, you didn’t marry your mom, you married your DAD! HAHAHAH! He totally non-apologizes to her “sorry the prints didn’t arrive” with no mention of how he could have rushed them.
Now we’re at the gallery show and they never went to the space until the day of the show? Ok… The show seems pretty pointless except that you know, it’s an event for the cameras. The marrieds discuss how rehearsed their comments are. How lovely, Auj saying “back in the old days, when something broke you fixed it” and the camera panning to Matt and Amy ahahahahh.
Jeremy looks totally like a deer in the headlights as Auj babbles on. There’s a photo booth. Matt tells Jer how he wishes he’d known all this marriage stuff back when he was nailing Amy and breeding babies.
Honestly Jeremy has become Auj’s lil trained chimp, she bitches him out and forces him to apologize and all in all acts like his dad. Auj is clearly the one in control of the website.
Seriously, Jeremy married his dad. It’s so hilariously weird.
Review by Podge/Rodge groupie
Review by Podge/Rodge groupie
Review of “Marriage Do's and Don'ts”
I'm going to break up the episode into the three storylines so each may be followed separately. I need to get this finished so I can check the blog. Thank you.
Zach and Tori
They're walking Mr. Sullivan and discussing their two different work schedules. This is an occurance in D.I.N.K.S (double income, no kids) just as much as both working straight days. They mention a date night when they both have time off, which they feel is a good idea, as Zach mentioned he gets home at which really doesn't offer much together time. Tori says she would like to do something SHE used to do in high school, which I feel is fair, because all Zach did was play soccer and dirty up the Previa, so why not? Zach had no opposition.
They take Sully to Amy's so she can dogsit. I said it before and I'll say it again, Mr Sullivan is NOT trained. We should phone Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer so he can train........Zach and Tori. All Sully wants is to follow and please his Pack Leader. One of them needs to learn how to be the Pack Leader, and I feel all will be fine.
They go to Tualatin, a 'burb of Greater Portland. Tori was glad to be able to teach Zach a sport, rather than the other way round. He didn't have to worry about his little leggies after all. I was a bit concerned about his waddle gait as he ran to his vehicle at Amy's, but he still moves fast, indeed. It seems as the bet was doing dishes for the week, and Zach says, “Well I guess we'll have dirty dishes for a week” (despite the fact they have a dishwater lol) and believe me, we'll be chatting about doing dishes later in the review.
At Launch Night, they discuss how they are doing in relation to their marriage, and they feel they are on the right track. There are many decisions made in a couple's lifetime, and I feel it can be seen who does that in this marriage. More at the wrap-up.
Matt and Amy
What would an LPBW episode be without the major Agonists, pro and ant (the choice is yours for each, enjoy!) to keep the pathos going. We start in Matt's office. While they are trying to take the salsa nationwide, Amy appears to keep dropping the ball by being late (murmurs of amazement) three times at doing an update edit on the personal history. This is holding up the new label. Matt does try as nicely as he could to tell her she is holding up the whole process, and while she say, “OK, this, big fail. It's me” She to this day refuses to acknowledge that although she wants to go nationwide, SHE is the reason it is not happening. This will come to bear later. Amy haybales about going to the the lawyers. She ends with, “This is not how it's supposed to work!” instead of the true, “This is not how I think it should work.” It's a process, and outside parties are involved, Amy.
They go to Beaverton Foods, the manufacture of said salsa. They parade their high class in front of the whole world by bickering in front of the Production Manager. Good one you two. WAIT! Amy doesn't like the pumpkins on the label. Hmmm...you mean the label that you are chronically late on finishing the edit so you can't ship out nationwide? Yeah, that one. But, she decides to be the bigger person and let it go. Yay.
Off to the lawyers. Amy really start gushing here. Yikes. “This is life-changing. It's hard to learn that someone doesn't want you in their life anymore.” STOP!! What have you done, Amy to show Matt the you want him in YOUR life, besides sniping, attacking, and complaining at almost every opportunity? Puh-lease. “This is devastating. I feel guilty...” Well, you should. Oh oh oh, here comes the punch line! “I don't think I'm that bad.....” There it is, folks! Proof positive that there are absolutely NO mirrors in Amy's house on the farm. Now we know. Matt says, “It's a sad, sad day.” Well, it hasn't come yet, Matt.
Amy has just returned form the lawyers. In the dark. “Living on the same property makes it hard....” (hint for next week) and “It's been building for 15 years, we're on this track that that we're unable to come back from.” Please stop talking in circles, Amy. You keep treating the divorce like it's new, come on. Matt say, “It makes you sad. We've grown into two different people.” NO! We have all seen this since perhaps the beginning of season 4. There were small hunts at micro-managing in the previous seasons, but you really started to show your true colors, both of you, after that.
So they go to Mexican Cuisine for a product placement, away form the farm. What, no Stanford's? The freebie Nazi must have gone to Stanford's ,”No freebie's from you!” Amy pushes Matt, “Do you want to be a part of the salsa or not?” Hold on a minute. You Amy, have repeatedly missed deadlines to launch the product nationwide, you wanted to change the label, along with the history edit, and YOU are having a go at Matt? Who the Hell do you think you are? Matt does his best at being diplomatic, which really is not his strong suit, and mentions with all the constant delays, and when things continue to get delayed, then no. Matt says with living as close to each other (another hint for next week) it's hard. So why don't we just sell? They agree to PREP to sell the farm, sign the divorce papers and go their own ways. Uh, where's Amy going to live? Tune in next week folks.
At the Launch Night, Matt looked a tone of Special Jer's photos and say, “That's an awesome shot of the barn.” Way to go, Matt.
Audrey and Jeremy
WE start in the kitchen in Bend. Jer is wearing a winter coat and a wool hat. I'd call it something different, but I'm sure the christians will persecute me. Auj has the fixings out for Zombie Jer's waffle. Auj starts the discussion as she did the cooking dishes, her slug can do the eating dishes. The reason I say that is, Audrey waits for a response. Audrey ASKS for a response. Audrey NEVER gets a response. The poor woman should have skipped Barre 3 training and taken Paramedic training so she can check pulses every once in a while. Then we see Jer washing a frying pan, a cooking thing, not an eating thing. Confused? So am I. All with the cameras there. We know who's trying and who doesn't give an obese rodent's posterior. On the haybale, Jer says sometimes he leaves the washing up until the next morning, which Audrey doesn't like. What worries me the most, is when Auj's slug says, when it comes to compromises after they work it out, that he says, “Sometimes I will BEND MY WILL to change. What???? Gracious, this is marriage, it's not life and death. Bend my will. Horrific. They are working on their new website. Speaking of product placements, why are the computer logos, covered? Something to do with Rockstar Energy Drinks? When they were throwing ideas back and forth, Auj mentions finances. What do couples who are running a business (she might be thinking of herself and Jer) IF what they are doing is even considered a business, handle their finances to get by? Look Auj, MOST newly married couples WORK, not run businesses, this is where the thinking starts to get exclusive, which might limit the audience. Jer's history is “motivating” to his side of the website, and Auj's history is “Inspiring” to her side of the website, which is good. I still don't understand the idea of taking big photos of these couples (NOT Matt and Amy), the idea of thanking them in this way doesn't seem as strong as getting something about “Special Jer's a photographer, so we have to include something about that.” Now, if they wanted to privately present these to the couples as a gift of thanks, that would be awesome! But to use it as advertising seems tacky to me.
Rev. Jamie and Chris are interviewed. They use their own system for keeping the spark burning. They seem like a nice couple indeed. I giggled where, after they mentioned their plan to take one week for themselves every year, Special Jer says, “That is INTENTIONAL” What? Really how limited is this boy's vocabulary? Sigh. Another slightly disturbing thing to me that was said, was when Audrey spoke of all the things she learned form her mentor, and the new things they learned form Jamie and Chris at the interview, she said we can use a lot of this to protect our marriage. Uh. 'Protect'? Why not 'Preserve'. There are better words another college graduate can use, I think.
Two days before. At Amy's house. Jeremy says while sitting on the couch, “There's nothing worse than having a friend or family member going through a miserable relationship. Go ahead Jer! Throw it right in your mother's face. Good boy, Jer! Why do you tell her again that her place is in the kitchen while you're at it? You did that before on national TV, too. In answer to the question of experience, Amy said, “I wished I voiced my thoughts and opinions more, in the first year of our marriage.” She goes on to say she didn't want to raise any 'issues'. Stop right there. I am seeing a real split here, between what the christians consider how a wife should be dutiful to her husband, and follow his lead. Amy was following the christian's model of a good, dutiful wife. I gave my head a serious shake when after Amy said, “Yeah, I can do the 'would've, could've, should've' now.” and her wonderful son pipes up, “Yeah but there's always what you CAN, WILL, and SHOULD do NOW.” What a complete jerk! What's worse is, some people think he has every right to force his ideas and opinions on his mother. That's just very bad form.
We come now to the crap about the late prints. The haybaling was as funny as any Three Stooges routine. When Auj mentions that the prints were not there yet, Special Jer crosses his arms and says, “Which is my mistake.” Hold it here. I'm not the greatest on body language, but oh my that was the most defensive, 'close you out of my space' 'I need to protect myself' arm-crossing that I've seen in a long while. Hilarious! Auj, rightly, wants to overnight the negatives, or send them the day before, or before that, and good ol' Jer, No, no, you don't understand, I do this all the time yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah.”
Time for a story. In days of old, when knights were bold, and Molly turned sixteen, Jer and Zach were going to surprised her at school with doughnuts. A nice thought. Really. However, the day of, Madame Enabler Amy tried three times to get the slugs out of bed, no luck. (By the way, Jeremy flatly denied she EVER woke him up in the morning, on national TV. D'uh) When the non-dynamic duo finally get out of bed, they have to RUSH, and SPEED, and HURRY!! Oh my goodness! Whatever shall we do??? They get to school at , run up to Molly out of breath, and go on to tell her, “Whew! We made it Moll! We had to speed, and rush through the doughnut shop, and you wouldn't believe how fast we had to go, and......” Molly takes one look at the two sorry sights and deadpans, 'So why didn't you just leave earlier?” “No, no NO you don't understand!!! We ran our butts off to get here on time for you. We darn near ran traffic lights just to get here!” Molly shook her head.
On to the present. Not-so-Special Jer is on the phone with the shipping company, asking where the prints are. He voice-overed that the tracking information dais they had landed in Portland. And the dude on the phone says, “Yeah, I don't really have any way to figure out where it is right now.” which is complete crap. I've shipped over 900 items to myself, and have shipped out close to 250 items, and believe me, they know where the prints are. He tells Auj, “Well, I'm going to the place where they are supposed to be shipped right now.” Auj, “Is that where they are?” Jer, “Yes.” Supposed to be. Are. Whatever. Fine. Jer leaves ALONE. Auj continues prep work.
2 hours before the event. No vehicles out front. Jer supposedly comes in and says, “Babe, come have a look.” Audrey is following him, with her coat on???? This is so poor, people. On the haybales, Jer says his biggest fear was the prints would be a 6 hour drive away (previously HE said the tracking information showed the prints had landed in Portland!!!) but they were in Portland. Sad. Very sad. They load up and get going. Auj , rightfully days she was stressed that Jer was not owning up to the late shipment. And do you have a hair tie, No, I'm wearing the hat. No, you're wearing a hair tie. Driving there she tells Jeremy ,”I can't work in this disorganization.You need to be more organized.” Jer dodges twice, “How am I not organized” and “The prints SHOULD have been there” before finally apologizing. Thank goodness. It's funny how he goes on after that saying it showed how we just learned something I guess (you guess?) throughout the whole process.
30 minutes before. How were you not organized, Jer? “Honestly, we have never even seen the space before. Just a little detail we forgot about.” You can't be serious. You have not even been there. Oy vay. Here we go! The best line of the night! Auj, “Jer, how is my chest, is it too low?” Let's stop right here. There have been haters making very disoaraging comments about Isabel wearing a bikini top, on the beach, and posting the photo. YET, this woman wears this low low neckline to a website launch, on front of everybody, on national TV, and that's just fine. And this is not the first time. Remember her 'dress' (read 'scarf) she wore to the pumpkin season meeting? Unbeleivable. I'm sure you also noticed how Jer could not bear to be embarrassed by his wife, “If I forget, no need to jump in and say it, just give me a little reminder....” At the end. He did give his wife credit, “Audrey worked so hard on so much of this.” And just how much did you do? Other than make catty remarks on the blog and delete them later? I thought so.
It's pretty obvious who is doing the most, or basically 'running these two marriages. And it isn't Jer and Zach.
Tune in next week when Matt wants to move off the property, that's going to be sold anyway.